Never Talk to Strangers

Dear BFDiary,

Last summer I got paid to find sexy black guys on the street (sometimes single, sometimes not) and suck their real ideas on sex and relationships straight from the gut in less than 10 minutes (and no that's not all I did during my internship, I also got to work on some awesome but scary breast cancer profiles among other things). You can imagine that I didn't get paid a lot, but the responses I got, or didn't get for that matter, were priceless. Many of my afternoon adventures around Bryant Park and 125th street in Harlem have been fabulous conversation starters in some awful how-did-I-end-up-here-talking-to-you situations, not to mention, I learned that there is no shortage of attractive and "eligible" black bachelors.

In order to be successful at my job, starting from day one, I had to get over that whole don't talk to strangers thing with a quickness. In fact, journalism, I think, is about doing the opposite. Not only do you have to be comfortable with chatting with people you don't know, you have to engage them to the point where they feel more comfortable with you than the people they talk to everyday.

Now that my inner nerd has sucked me into the world of academia (I'm talking research and theory with the big dogs) I've found that I've lost a bit of my flare for talking to random black men. Thursday evening I was on my crowded bus ride home and the man dressed in tan from head to toe decided to sit next to me. Looking at the heavy black 80's frames on his face and the bare ring finger, my initial reaction was to tune him out after he pointed out a funny article on the front of his New York Times. Once I saw that his questions and quest for conversation weren't going to stop, I found myself annoyingly wondering, ok, so what does this guy want from me, he's old enough to be my grandad. Getting over myself enough to actually listen to the stranger next to me, I realized he wasn't that much of a stranger at all--he was a professor in the Classics department who'd taught at UCLA before he was recruited to Michigan. He was a fellow scholar who wanted to share a moment on the bus with me, since when was that a crime? Was I judging the man for just wanting to talk to me? Did all the rude street-encounters gone wrong make me weary of any decent man I might come across?

Have you ever had one of those "aha" moments when you realized you were on the defense for no reason?

True Swag Tuesday: Fabulous by Faith

Meet NYRIEMcKENZIE

AGE: 23

HOMETOWN: Albany, NY

BACKGROUND: Syracuse University '09: Public Policy and Political Science

HOW SHE PAYS THE BILLS: Public Relations Associate for a prestigious entertainment company in Manhattan

HER GRIND: It paid off big time when she landed a job better than her dream job a week ago

When does the grind begin to produce those glowing pots of gold we keep telling ourselves at the end of the rainbow? At 23, Nyrie McKenzie is running into those golden years now. Confident in her own fabulosity the sassy sista spent a year shaping her public relations skills and networking until some folks in high places became just as confident in her as she was, and decided to give her a mid-level position with an office to match. The new gig came just one week after she'd left her stable but dissatisfying job in her hometown and moved to the big apple with little more than an empire state of mind. Here's her story of the glamour that came out of a long grind.

Why she grew tired of reading between the rules of law

I initially planned on attending law school to become an entertainment lawyer, but after interning at the New York State Assembly during the Governor Spitzer sex bust I realized law wasn't my passion. I decided to change the world in a different way.

How she landed a colorful media job with a strictly black and white major

I was a junior when I decided to change my course of action, but I couldn't afford to change my major and pay tuition for staying an extra year. I decided to up the ante on my internships and student orgs so that I'd still gain knowledge in my area of interest. Serving as events coordinator for the Black Artist League and producing $30,000 - $60,000 fashion shows with artists like Trey Songz as president of Fashion's Conscience peaked my interest in the PR field. My major actually helped me in the long run because it developed my writing and research skills, which are very useful in public relations.

Her formula for mastering the art of networking like a ninja

Networking is scary to some people but I looked at it as an opportunity to maximize my results in the job grind. The more I did it, the easier it became. I made it my business to talk to people who not only knew what they were doing, but people who wanted me to succeed. I considered myself a sponge. And I didn't look at every person I reached out to as someone who would give me a job, that's the wrong point of view.

Her driving force

The life we have now is the only one we get so I believe just one day of misery, is a day I could've been happy. I quit my dead job as an administrative assistant because I wasn't fulfilled, I couldn't use any of my skills. I trusted my talent so after praying I took the risk and made the move to NYC. I just couldn't drown in a life I new I wasn't destined to live.

Landing the dream job without the cookie-cutter background

My first public relations job is higher than the entry-level position I'd actually applied for, and I'd never even written a press release in college. I spent a year doing a lot of freelance work like putting in 12-hour days event planning for free. I always worked in a small team so I could work directly with the person in charge. It was sink or swim because I was the person in charge of managing event staff, organizing guest lists, etc... without any formal training. I appreciated it because an entry level position at a huge PR firm wouldn't have given me that kind of access and opportunity.

Why a winner in romance and the workforce says the formula for landing a great job doesn't work for love

Love has a tendency of finding you when you aren't looking for it, or in my case, wanting nothing to do with it at all. There's no set recipe. I would never suggest that anyone young and on the grind go looking for a relationship, but if a solid one comes along, why not?

The item this black femme can't live without

Besides shoes, I can't be without my Giovanni's Hair Conditioner for more than a 24-hour period. I was at the airport once and they were going to throw it away because it was over the allotted amount of liquid, so I made my boyfriend meet me at the airport to pick it up.

What's next for this diva on the move

I'm excited about my new position because I'll be able to focus all of my skills into one place. I'm going in with a very ambitious mindset. I want to do things in the industry that have never been done before.

Check out Nyrie's blog: colourmefashion.blogspot.com to learn more about her brilliant mind.

Down Low Activism

Dear BFDiary,

Gosh I love what the folks over at AOL Black Voices dish up for us black folks to discuss everyday (if you haven't checked them out, you should). This post had to be written partially because of my passion and research on black women (what can I so, we're so dang interesting I just can't help but to want to write about us) and partially because of my work as a sexual health advocate. Seven years ago I joined Gospel Against AIDS, Inc. and helped establish the first ever Christian faith-based sexual health initiative for youth in Detroit. At my alma mater I spent three years planning lectures, forums, film viewings, free/anonymous testing events and conferences to empower young people in the Central New York area to live healthier sex lives (rather that meant abstinence, condoms, or getting counseling for sexual abuse/assault).

After years of working in the area of sexual health on the ground (not some lavish office in an ivory tower) you can imagine my intrigue when Sherri Shepherd (co-host of ABC's The View) and guest host D.L. Hughley were accused of misinforming the audience about, well, the dl. The two were discussing rising HIV-rates among African American women, and sited men who have unprotected sex with men and do not disclose this information to their female partners, with whom they also engage in unprotected sex, as fueling infection rates in the black community. Feathers were rustled in gay and black coalitions, and now they want The View to make a formal statement retracting what they say is inaccurate info.

Here's the deal, Shepherd and D.L. may have exaggerated the picture, but they weren't all in all wrong. J.L. King, who emerged as the face of black men on the down-low devoted more than one chapter in his memoir to the very scary fact that the phenomenon discussed on The View is a reality. After talking with King one-on-one and meeting women who had been married and infected, and watching men admit to infecting their partners through a down-low lifestyle on Nightline's Special Report: AIDS in Black America I can confidently say that these coalitions are fishing. Fishing, I think, for an acceptance in the black community that they are not owed. The facts are the facts. While men who live open heterosexual lives and secret homosexual lives aren't the sole cause of infection, they are a cause. Certain movers and shakers in the black gay community are tired of feeling unloved and rejected, and are often on the defense. We as a black community owe each member the same amount of love, but it doesn't mean we have to agree with or accept their lifestyles. Respect does not require acceptance. And love surely doesn't require that we cover up wrong-doing; in fact, it means that we expose it for the sake of improvement.

Give me the 4-1-1 on what you think.

As Seen on M-TV

Dear BFDiary,

I'm not sure if anyone even watches MTV's "Real World" anymore but I must admit that after all these years, I still make time for at least the first few episodes every season. This time around the cast is shaking things up in New Orleans (there are no scenes of the wreckage that's still there which I'm unsure is a good or bad thing). Of course there are a couple black kids on the cast, and even an Arab-American woman from Dearborn (right next door to Detroit, but they also leave this tidbit out).

So the first black guy we meet, Eric, is gorgeous and pretty "normal" for all intensive purposes. His eyes are so captivating they make you wanna slap your mama.

There's white girls from Mississippi who only date black guys, hockey players from Wisconsin, and, wait for it...wait for it....your token black gay guy. Now, Preston doesn't exactly cause drama, but he does don blond wigs from time to time.

What's wrong with this picture? Aside from getting into any type of biblical debacle I'm thinking about what element Preston adds to the winning Real World formula? Of course, the point of the show is to bring the drama, with people who fit normative stereotypes not necessarily adding to the mix, I get that. But why is there always a black character on the show with some major factor that pushes him farther into the margins beyond the effect of his black skin? And let's be real, the formula almost always includes a guy that we can label as "other" and rarely a black woman. We are, for the most part, invisible.

Is there an agenda here? I'm definitely sniffing something fishy, but what do you think?

Goldilocs for Less

Dear BFDiary,

I get more compliments on my natural hair than I ever did with my bone-straight look. Before when someone would praise my do, it was more of a tribute to my stylist and a plea for her number so they could lay down $45, and 3-8 hours, and come out achieving the exact same look, how un-original. Once I got tired of looking like most of the chicks around me (and the money and time that went down the drain to produce my style) I restored my relationship with my crown and I've enjoyed learning all the cool stuff it can do without extreme heat or chemicals. If I want to cut my hair, I cut it (that actually happened in my kitchen a few months ago). If I want to go the beach, I go ALL in, no swim cap here. And now when someone gives me a compliment I can appreciate it more, because its the result of my own creative labor with help from the ultimate Creator. I can understand if you aren't ready to commit to a natural style, but I can also understand the need to be smarter about the money and time you put into maintaining your style and the need for a healthier look. Follow these tips from some of my favorite hair experts to reclaim your glam this summer.

1. Cool Off. Over the past two decades, stylist and salon co-owner of Episodes Salon in Detroit, Jill Bundy, says the most common mistake she’s seen women make in styling their hair between trips to the salon, is applying too much heat. “Women flat iron or curl their hair everyday to maintain a style, and then they wonder why it’s coming out in clumps,” Bundy says. Playing kitchen beautician every morning may give you short-term results, but the constant heat robs your hair of vital moisture and elasticity. Weaker hair is less likely to hold styles over time. Wrap or roll your hair at night instead of applying heat.

2. Ditch the sponge Rolling your hair at night adds volume to your hair weeks after your salon visit, but only if you use the right kind of rollers. “Sponge rollers do the same thing to hair that sponges do to water—soak up the moisture,” Bundy says. Without moisture the hair grows limp, reversing the effects of why you roll in the first place. Use plastic rollers like CONAIR Styling Essentials Self-Grip rollers ($10.49, Walgreens) to revitalize your beautiful bounce.

3. Upgrade your goodie bag As a hair-care assistant at Women’s Hair Care Center, Inc. in Brooklyn, New York, Modestina Bell, knows how much cash it takes to maintain a trendy do. She sells safe top-shelf products, which require a cosmetologist license, to clientele she knows can’t afford bi-weekly salon visits. “If you invest in quality products, your hair will go a long way even when you’re styling it at home,” Bell says. She recommends asking your stylist for Mizani Shampoo and Conditioner to get started.

4. Lighten up When choosing a styling agent for your hair, use a light oil such as olive oil or shea butter. “Heavy greases and sprays that promise to lock your style into place weigh down your hair and make it dirtier, faster,” says Jill Bundy. “Dirty hair never looks good.”

5. Be consistent Stick to the hair-care regimen that your stylist recommends to secure style longevity, Bundy says. “Some people think they only need to start home maintenance once their hair starts to look bad,” she says. “By then it’s too late.” Working your hair care routine from the time you leave the shop until the time you return, means you won’t have to visit as often.

True Swag Tuesdays

Dear BFDiary,

Meet DOMINICDINKINS

AGE 25

HOMETOWN Detroit, MI

BACKGROUND Hampton University '08: Graphic Design

HOW HE PAYS THE BILLS Middle school English teacher in Seoul, South Korea

GRIND Blogger, creator and producer of detroit-travel-gruide.com, photographer

When the job market doesn't seem to be working out, you have the option of changing your job or switching to a new market. Graphics trained Hampton University graduate-turned-English-teacher, Dominic Dinkins, did both. After landing a short-term job in his dream industry that didn't quite match his career vision, the 25-year-old traded the lacking industry in Motown for Seoul-town in South Korea. Live octopus may be the best food his new home has to offer, but with his new job Dinkins gets a fully loaded free pad, and a moderate salary that he can pretty much take to the bank. Here's how he grinds.

How dipping in the design field caused a change of heart

Five months passed before I found a job at Fathead, a company that designs sports graphics. It was a contracted job, for three months, but I found it to be boring. The thing about design is that you’re always at the whim of the client; there’s not a lot of creativity. I was sitting at a computer designing what somebody else wanted, and I didn’t like that.

Why he called it quits with the U.S.

Even though I didn’t like it, I was looking for graphic design jobs because that’s the degree I had and I wanted to save money. After being unemployed for two months, I talked to a friend who was in Korea and she introduced me to the teaching placement program. After looking at all the benefits, and the pay, I said why not. I though it would be a nice break. I went over in April 2009 and stayed for one year. I'm heading back in August.

First taste of Seoul

My first thought when I got to Korea was “what was I thinking?” I immediately wanted to go back home. Arriving in a country with no English anywhere, no black people, is a little frightening because you’re completely out of your environment. All I knew was the alphabet.

I taught English to middle school students. My lesson plans the first month were horrible. but I picked up on skills in different seminars. By the middle of the year I was pretty comfortable.

What keeps him motivated

I don’t want to do the 9-to-5 thing. I don’t want to work in a job I hate for 30 years just because it pays my bills, and I’ll do everything I can to avoid that fate.

Why he'll take Seoul-town over Motown any day

Some of my friends say I’m a Korean citizen because I talk about Korea so much. It’s a beautiful country. The people are kind to foreigners, especially black people, I think it’s because they never see black people. I was at the ATM one day and I had withdrawn the equivalent of $100, but left the money. Just as I was about to board the bus, a woman flagged me down and ran my money over to me. That would never happen here.

Paying the bills

I get paid in Korean currency (wan), so my salary basically depends on the exchange rate. It works out to about $2000/month. All I have to pay for is food, my cell phone bill ($20), and utilities. Other expenses are student loans and my credit card. This gives me the opportunity to save most of my money and cover expenses like my new camera.

The next stop on his adventure

Now I’m moving toward photography. After another couple years of saving money teaching I’ll be able to go full force. I’m learning the ropes right now, so I take my camera everywhere. I want to do things like weddings and personal portraits.

I also plan on boosting my web site so I can increase the profit to $2,000/month. Right now it pulls in about $300/month without me even touching it. I offer basic information for people who want to learn more about Detroit, great pictures of city scenes, and a guide for the best places to watch the fireworks. Site-Build-It was the company I worked with to get started and learn things like how to make sure my site comes up in google searches. Once you get it running, it makes money on it’s own. If you don’t know anything about design, they help you. It costs $30/month.

*If you have a bachelor's degree, no criminal record, and don't mind moving out of the states, you're eligible to teach English in a foreign country. The package includes a salary of ~ $2,000/month, free apartment, and free airfare. Salaries are higher for applicants with a master's degree in English or Education. Visit teacheslkorea.com to get started.

ADDICTED

Dear BFDiary,

So I was watching Wendy Williams last night (didn’t care for her on radio, but her TV personality is so relatable and fab) and she had the hot Dr. Drew of MTV/VH1 reality show fame. In light of the uncovered infidelity of people like Jesse James and Tiger Woods, Dr. Drew discussed sexual addition. He explained that (while it is still debated in scientific circles) Tiger Woods had in fact been suffering from an addiction and received and responded well to intense treatment. The key ingredient to an addiction, the doc said, was wanting to stop doing something but not being able to.

As I began to apply the show to my own life I thought about the strongholds I’ve experienced. We’ve all been in situations where we’ve done something, seen the disastrous consequences, and wondered why we did it, for the 1000^th time. We’ve wanted to stop, committed to stopping, and then found ourselves in the same mess time and time again. We may not label it an addiction, but that thing, whatever it may be, becomes a stronghold in our lives and a hindrance in living the lives our Creator destined us to live.

Recently I’ve dealt with the stronghold of acceptance and fear of rejection. Now, I’m not one you would label as having low self-esteem, but I have often struggled with the image people see when they look at me. I discovered this stronghold through my credit card bill. Writing $150.00 into my budget every month for stuff I used to buy troubled a sista. When I realized that I’d charged $3000 in 9 months and didn’t have one extravagant thing to show for it (that’s like 3 designer handbags worth!) I realized that I had a serious spending problem. Although I saw the interest piling up and my balance reaching my credit limit, I continued to spend over and above my income through my allowance from dad and a part time job.

In thinking about when I did the spending, it was always during a high stress time, and often, when I was in the company of friends. When I hid my credit card and put myself on a budget last month I found myself wondering if my friends would still think highly of me if I couldn’t spend like I used to, and that’s when the stronghold was revealed. Spending, for me, was a pacifier and a way to control the image that people had of me.

What thing have you done over and over even though you knew it was bad for you? What person have you said you’d remove from the center stage of your life because of the hurt they bring, but you continue to let them in time after time? What do you find yourself sneaking to do when no one’s watching, and then lying about later? Strongholds, no matter how small they may seem in our minds, are distractions and obstacles.

When a runner has prepared for a race, she doesn’t put on a blindfold, or leg weights, and add extra hurdles. Why? Because that runner is intent on making it to the end. She will strip down to next to nothing so that she’s lighter and can move easier. She will only jump the hurdles that have already been laid before her on the track, because jumping hurdles slows her down and makes her goal (the finish line) harder to reach. The journey of life is like a race in that we are always moving toward a goal, a finish line. Given the world we live in, there’s also hurdles that come with the race (i.e. sexism, classism, inadequate parenting, racism, illness etc…). When we refuse to recognize the strongholds in our lives, and thus, refuse to deal with them, it’s like putting hurdles in our bath that don’t need to be there, or putting 30-pound weights on our legs.

I want us all to finish strong, so let’s start eliminating the STRONGHOLDS today.

*To learn more about how I’m running the race (if you think it might help you) e-mail me at timeka.n.williams@gmail.com.