Broken Promises

Dear BFDiary,

One of my best friends in the entire world is someone I met when I was about three or four. For the first half of our lives we did everything together, we watched the same movies (anything with the Olsen twins), shopped at the same store (Limited Too), and went to camp together (she’ll kill me for saying it, but I rode the horses, while she pretended to be sick). We even developed crushes on guys that were friends.

Living on different sides of town and attending different schools, though, made sustaining the friendship difficult. After elementary school, I begged my parents to switch me to her private school, but they shrugged it off and mentioned that we could try for high school. Ironically, once ninth grade rolled around, I sprung for a private school in Farmington Hills and along with nearly everyone I’d known and befriended in middle school, she went to the best public high school Detroit has to offer. We decided that college was the only time we’d get to decide our own fate, and promised to room together at Spelman. Well, that promise was broken, but, considering our friendship has lasted more than a lot of marriages, I’d say our promise to be true blues for life was one we really meant.

All relationships are ready-made with some type of promise. We promise to obey our parents (for the most part) and they promise to invest in our livelihood (food, shelter, clothing, a last name). Hell, even my relationship with my manicurist involves a pact. I promise to tip her well and she promises to give me a student discount and premier service every time. Every now and again, like my old hair stylist who always swore to get me in and out in 3 hours, you make a promise you can’t keep. But the worst promises you break, are the ones you make to yourself.

I’m not talking a new years resolution where you vow to lose 15 pounds but never keep your promise to jog and stop eating French fries. I’m talking about the promises to love yourself—to keep yourself spiritually, mentally, physically, financially, and emotionally well. The promise you make when you decide to get up in the morning and face the day with fierceness and dust yourself off from yesterday’s disappointments. And the promise to never learn any lesson more than once.

The promise I made to myself when I got over my last heartbreak was that I’d be wiser, more cautious, and less trusting. Love, as it tends to do, pulled a fast one on me. And now I find myself wondering which promise I broke and when. How did I end up right here with(out) you….

The worst part of it all is that I can’t remember the last promise I broke that I made to someone else, anyone else. So my beautiful and faithful BFD readers, I’ll make a promise to you. I promise to put myself in position to be a better writer, one that doesn’t just write about problems you can relate to, but can offer real solutions that have worked in my life.

Because I promise you, not keeping this promise, won’t bring anything good.

What I Learned From Kwame

It’s no secret that I love my city just as much as I love space, we’ve got a lot of it, and after spending summers in NYC and Paris, I appreciate it more than ever. To love my city is to represent it and all of its beautiful characters. A big black man in construction site orange wouldn’t normally make headlines, but since his last name is Kilpatrick, his image has circulated print, broadcast, and online newswires around the world. Besides our proud Motown Royalty like Aretha Franklin (who people seem to forget is from D-Town) he seems to be the most popular character in our 313-story for the moment.

So tax violations, fraud, obstruction of justice, all very un-cool things for anyone who knows and enforces the law to be accused of, but for a politician, eh, it’s all pretty much part of a term’s work. Kilpatrick is not the big bad wolf who helped bring the worst city in the world further down into the dumps. As a matter of fact, Detroit isn’t the most dangerous, or the fattest, or even the poorest city in America. Detroit is the site of a beautiful boardwalk that’s a couple’s romantic playground or a family’s biking path. It’s home to the kind of athletic teams that don’t do much showboating, but wins championships as an actual team. And sure, we’ve got plenty of issues, from crooked cops to failing school systems (what urban locale doesn’t have those issues) but we aren’t ready to roll over and croak just yet. There’s plenty of life left here, and hopefully, in Kilpatrick’s career.

If you’re a cynic you’ve probably stopped reading already, but if you’re a realist, stay with me. As a Detroiter who remembers meeting the humble 30-year-old who was handsome enough to catch my eye and smart enough to allow my father to speak to his congregation, I’m compelled to look beyond the story people like Mildred Gaddis (don't bother calling into her radio show if you don't agree with her) would have you buy into and re-present him as a fallen young man whose mistakes teach us two very big lessons.

Lesson number one: No, the sex is never that good. All the greatest public servants we’ve loved have had mistresses, Kilpatrick’s someone he’d grown up with, but as we all know, Beatty was more than your typical I-sleep-with-powerful-men-to-eat mistress. She’s smart, successful, can stand on her on two feet, and has a family. They’re affair cost two public images and one broken family.

Lesson number two: When you give your haters ammunition, they will use it. Kilpatrick is mostly guilty of being young, powerful, and a target for hater-ation. He started feeling himself, he got flashy, and he got careless with his spending and his loving. Think about it, King David made the same mistakes and God still trusted him to write portions of the Bible. Kilpatrick’s reputation is under siege because people who never wanted to see him succeed, are now taking pleasure in perpetuating his failures—and by making stupid mistakes he’s given them the fuel they need to keep the fire going.

Never Talk to Strangers

Dear BFDiary,

Last summer I got paid to find sexy black guys on the street (sometimes single, sometimes not) and suck their real ideas on sex and relationships straight from the gut in less than 10 minutes (and no that's not all I did during my internship, I also got to work on some awesome but scary breast cancer profiles among other things). You can imagine that I didn't get paid a lot, but the responses I got, or didn't get for that matter, were priceless. Many of my afternoon adventures around Bryant Park and 125th street in Harlem have been fabulous conversation starters in some awful how-did-I-end-up-here-talking-to-you situations, not to mention, I learned that there is no shortage of attractive and "eligible" black bachelors.

In order to be successful at my job, starting from day one, I had to get over that whole don't talk to strangers thing with a quickness. In fact, journalism, I think, is about doing the opposite. Not only do you have to be comfortable with chatting with people you don't know, you have to engage them to the point where they feel more comfortable with you than the people they talk to everyday.

Now that my inner nerd has sucked me into the world of academia (I'm talking research and theory with the big dogs) I've found that I've lost a bit of my flare for talking to random black men. Thursday evening I was on my crowded bus ride home and the man dressed in tan from head to toe decided to sit next to me. Looking at the heavy black 80's frames on his face and the bare ring finger, my initial reaction was to tune him out after he pointed out a funny article on the front of his New York Times. Once I saw that his questions and quest for conversation weren't going to stop, I found myself annoyingly wondering, ok, so what does this guy want from me, he's old enough to be my grandad. Getting over myself enough to actually listen to the stranger next to me, I realized he wasn't that much of a stranger at all--he was a professor in the Classics department who'd taught at UCLA before he was recruited to Michigan. He was a fellow scholar who wanted to share a moment on the bus with me, since when was that a crime? Was I judging the man for just wanting to talk to me? Did all the rude street-encounters gone wrong make me weary of any decent man I might come across?

Have you ever had one of those "aha" moments when you realized you were on the defense for no reason?

True Swag Tuesday: Fabulous by Faith

Meet NYRIEMcKENZIE

AGE: 23

HOMETOWN: Albany, NY

BACKGROUND: Syracuse University '09: Public Policy and Political Science

HOW SHE PAYS THE BILLS: Public Relations Associate for a prestigious entertainment company in Manhattan

HER GRIND: It paid off big time when she landed a job better than her dream job a week ago

When does the grind begin to produce those glowing pots of gold we keep telling ourselves at the end of the rainbow? At 23, Nyrie McKenzie is running into those golden years now. Confident in her own fabulosity the sassy sista spent a year shaping her public relations skills and networking until some folks in high places became just as confident in her as she was, and decided to give her a mid-level position with an office to match. The new gig came just one week after she'd left her stable but dissatisfying job in her hometown and moved to the big apple with little more than an empire state of mind. Here's her story of the glamour that came out of a long grind.

Why she grew tired of reading between the rules of law

I initially planned on attending law school to become an entertainment lawyer, but after interning at the New York State Assembly during the Governor Spitzer sex bust I realized law wasn't my passion. I decided to change the world in a different way.

How she landed a colorful media job with a strictly black and white major

I was a junior when I decided to change my course of action, but I couldn't afford to change my major and pay tuition for staying an extra year. I decided to up the ante on my internships and student orgs so that I'd still gain knowledge in my area of interest. Serving as events coordinator for the Black Artist League and producing $30,000 - $60,000 fashion shows with artists like Trey Songz as president of Fashion's Conscience peaked my interest in the PR field. My major actually helped me in the long run because it developed my writing and research skills, which are very useful in public relations.

Her formula for mastering the art of networking like a ninja

Networking is scary to some people but I looked at it as an opportunity to maximize my results in the job grind. The more I did it, the easier it became. I made it my business to talk to people who not only knew what they were doing, but people who wanted me to succeed. I considered myself a sponge. And I didn't look at every person I reached out to as someone who would give me a job, that's the wrong point of view.

Her driving force

The life we have now is the only one we get so I believe just one day of misery, is a day I could've been happy. I quit my dead job as an administrative assistant because I wasn't fulfilled, I couldn't use any of my skills. I trusted my talent so after praying I took the risk and made the move to NYC. I just couldn't drown in a life I new I wasn't destined to live.

Landing the dream job without the cookie-cutter background

My first public relations job is higher than the entry-level position I'd actually applied for, and I'd never even written a press release in college. I spent a year doing a lot of freelance work like putting in 12-hour days event planning for free. I always worked in a small team so I could work directly with the person in charge. It was sink or swim because I was the person in charge of managing event staff, organizing guest lists, etc... without any formal training. I appreciated it because an entry level position at a huge PR firm wouldn't have given me that kind of access and opportunity.

Why a winner in romance and the workforce says the formula for landing a great job doesn't work for love

Love has a tendency of finding you when you aren't looking for it, or in my case, wanting nothing to do with it at all. There's no set recipe. I would never suggest that anyone young and on the grind go looking for a relationship, but if a solid one comes along, why not?

The item this black femme can't live without

Besides shoes, I can't be without my Giovanni's Hair Conditioner for more than a 24-hour period. I was at the airport once and they were going to throw it away because it was over the allotted amount of liquid, so I made my boyfriend meet me at the airport to pick it up.

What's next for this diva on the move

I'm excited about my new position because I'll be able to focus all of my skills into one place. I'm going in with a very ambitious mindset. I want to do things in the industry that have never been done before.

Check out Nyrie's blog: colourmefashion.blogspot.com to learn more about her brilliant mind.

Down Low Activism

Dear BFDiary,

Gosh I love what the folks over at AOL Black Voices dish up for us black folks to discuss everyday (if you haven't checked them out, you should). This post had to be written partially because of my passion and research on black women (what can I so, we're so dang interesting I just can't help but to want to write about us) and partially because of my work as a sexual health advocate. Seven years ago I joined Gospel Against AIDS, Inc. and helped establish the first ever Christian faith-based sexual health initiative for youth in Detroit. At my alma mater I spent three years planning lectures, forums, film viewings, free/anonymous testing events and conferences to empower young people in the Central New York area to live healthier sex lives (rather that meant abstinence, condoms, or getting counseling for sexual abuse/assault).

After years of working in the area of sexual health on the ground (not some lavish office in an ivory tower) you can imagine my intrigue when Sherri Shepherd (co-host of ABC's The View) and guest host D.L. Hughley were accused of misinforming the audience about, well, the dl. The two were discussing rising HIV-rates among African American women, and sited men who have unprotected sex with men and do not disclose this information to their female partners, with whom they also engage in unprotected sex, as fueling infection rates in the black community. Feathers were rustled in gay and black coalitions, and now they want The View to make a formal statement retracting what they say is inaccurate info.

Here's the deal, Shepherd and D.L. may have exaggerated the picture, but they weren't all in all wrong. J.L. King, who emerged as the face of black men on the down-low devoted more than one chapter in his memoir to the very scary fact that the phenomenon discussed on The View is a reality. After talking with King one-on-one and meeting women who had been married and infected, and watching men admit to infecting their partners through a down-low lifestyle on Nightline's Special Report: AIDS in Black America I can confidently say that these coalitions are fishing. Fishing, I think, for an acceptance in the black community that they are not owed. The facts are the facts. While men who live open heterosexual lives and secret homosexual lives aren't the sole cause of infection, they are a cause. Certain movers and shakers in the black gay community are tired of feeling unloved and rejected, and are often on the defense. We as a black community owe each member the same amount of love, but it doesn't mean we have to agree with or accept their lifestyles. Respect does not require acceptance. And love surely doesn't require that we cover up wrong-doing; in fact, it means that we expose it for the sake of improvement.

Give me the 4-1-1 on what you think.

As Seen on M-TV

Dear BFDiary,

I'm not sure if anyone even watches MTV's "Real World" anymore but I must admit that after all these years, I still make time for at least the first few episodes every season. This time around the cast is shaking things up in New Orleans (there are no scenes of the wreckage that's still there which I'm unsure is a good or bad thing). Of course there are a couple black kids on the cast, and even an Arab-American woman from Dearborn (right next door to Detroit, but they also leave this tidbit out).

So the first black guy we meet, Eric, is gorgeous and pretty "normal" for all intensive purposes. His eyes are so captivating they make you wanna slap your mama.

There's white girls from Mississippi who only date black guys, hockey players from Wisconsin, and, wait for it...wait for it....your token black gay guy. Now, Preston doesn't exactly cause drama, but he does don blond wigs from time to time.

What's wrong with this picture? Aside from getting into any type of biblical debacle I'm thinking about what element Preston adds to the winning Real World formula? Of course, the point of the show is to bring the drama, with people who fit normative stereotypes not necessarily adding to the mix, I get that. But why is there always a black character on the show with some major factor that pushes him farther into the margins beyond the effect of his black skin? And let's be real, the formula almost always includes a guy that we can label as "other" and rarely a black woman. We are, for the most part, invisible.

Is there an agenda here? I'm definitely sniffing something fishy, but what do you think?

Goldilocs for Less

Dear BFDiary,

I get more compliments on my natural hair than I ever did with my bone-straight look. Before when someone would praise my do, it was more of a tribute to my stylist and a plea for her number so they could lay down $45, and 3-8 hours, and come out achieving the exact same look, how un-original. Once I got tired of looking like most of the chicks around me (and the money and time that went down the drain to produce my style) I restored my relationship with my crown and I've enjoyed learning all the cool stuff it can do without extreme heat or chemicals. If I want to cut my hair, I cut it (that actually happened in my kitchen a few months ago). If I want to go the beach, I go ALL in, no swim cap here. And now when someone gives me a compliment I can appreciate it more, because its the result of my own creative labor with help from the ultimate Creator. I can understand if you aren't ready to commit to a natural style, but I can also understand the need to be smarter about the money and time you put into maintaining your style and the need for a healthier look. Follow these tips from some of my favorite hair experts to reclaim your glam this summer.

1. Cool Off. Over the past two decades, stylist and salon co-owner of Episodes Salon in Detroit, Jill Bundy, says the most common mistake she’s seen women make in styling their hair between trips to the salon, is applying too much heat. “Women flat iron or curl their hair everyday to maintain a style, and then they wonder why it’s coming out in clumps,” Bundy says. Playing kitchen beautician every morning may give you short-term results, but the constant heat robs your hair of vital moisture and elasticity. Weaker hair is less likely to hold styles over time. Wrap or roll your hair at night instead of applying heat.

2. Ditch the sponge Rolling your hair at night adds volume to your hair weeks after your salon visit, but only if you use the right kind of rollers. “Sponge rollers do the same thing to hair that sponges do to water—soak up the moisture,” Bundy says. Without moisture the hair grows limp, reversing the effects of why you roll in the first place. Use plastic rollers like CONAIR Styling Essentials Self-Grip rollers ($10.49, Walgreens) to revitalize your beautiful bounce.

3. Upgrade your goodie bag As a hair-care assistant at Women’s Hair Care Center, Inc. in Brooklyn, New York, Modestina Bell, knows how much cash it takes to maintain a trendy do. She sells safe top-shelf products, which require a cosmetologist license, to clientele she knows can’t afford bi-weekly salon visits. “If you invest in quality products, your hair will go a long way even when you’re styling it at home,” Bell says. She recommends asking your stylist for Mizani Shampoo and Conditioner to get started.

4. Lighten up When choosing a styling agent for your hair, use a light oil such as olive oil or shea butter. “Heavy greases and sprays that promise to lock your style into place weigh down your hair and make it dirtier, faster,” says Jill Bundy. “Dirty hair never looks good.”

5. Be consistent Stick to the hair-care regimen that your stylist recommends to secure style longevity, Bundy says. “Some people think they only need to start home maintenance once their hair starts to look bad,” she says. “By then it’s too late.” Working your hair care routine from the time you leave the shop until the time you return, means you won’t have to visit as often.