ADDICTED

Dear BFDiary,

So I was watching Wendy Williams last night (didn’t care for her on radio, but her TV personality is so relatable and fab) and she had the hot Dr. Drew of MTV/VH1 reality show fame. In light of the uncovered infidelity of people like Jesse James and Tiger Woods, Dr. Drew discussed sexual addition. He explained that (while it is still debated in scientific circles) Tiger Woods had in fact been suffering from an addiction and received and responded well to intense treatment. The key ingredient to an addiction, the doc said, was wanting to stop doing something but not being able to.

As I began to apply the show to my own life I thought about the strongholds I’ve experienced. We’ve all been in situations where we’ve done something, seen the disastrous consequences, and wondered why we did it, for the 1000^th time. We’ve wanted to stop, committed to stopping, and then found ourselves in the same mess time and time again. We may not label it an addiction, but that thing, whatever it may be, becomes a stronghold in our lives and a hindrance in living the lives our Creator destined us to live.

Recently I’ve dealt with the stronghold of acceptance and fear of rejection. Now, I’m not one you would label as having low self-esteem, but I have often struggled with the image people see when they look at me. I discovered this stronghold through my credit card bill. Writing $150.00 into my budget every month for stuff I used to buy troubled a sista. When I realized that I’d charged $3000 in 9 months and didn’t have one extravagant thing to show for it (that’s like 3 designer handbags worth!) I realized that I had a serious spending problem. Although I saw the interest piling up and my balance reaching my credit limit, I continued to spend over and above my income through my allowance from dad and a part time job.

In thinking about when I did the spending, it was always during a high stress time, and often, when I was in the company of friends. When I hid my credit card and put myself on a budget last month I found myself wondering if my friends would still think highly of me if I couldn’t spend like I used to, and that’s when the stronghold was revealed. Spending, for me, was a pacifier and a way to control the image that people had of me.

What thing have you done over and over even though you knew it was bad for you? What person have you said you’d remove from the center stage of your life because of the hurt they bring, but you continue to let them in time after time? What do you find yourself sneaking to do when no one’s watching, and then lying about later? Strongholds, no matter how small they may seem in our minds, are distractions and obstacles.

When a runner has prepared for a race, she doesn’t put on a blindfold, or leg weights, and add extra hurdles. Why? Because that runner is intent on making it to the end. She will strip down to next to nothing so that she’s lighter and can move easier. She will only jump the hurdles that have already been laid before her on the track, because jumping hurdles slows her down and makes her goal (the finish line) harder to reach. The journey of life is like a race in that we are always moving toward a goal, a finish line. Given the world we live in, there’s also hurdles that come with the race (i.e. sexism, classism, inadequate parenting, racism, illness etc…). When we refuse to recognize the strongholds in our lives, and thus, refuse to deal with them, it’s like putting hurdles in our bath that don’t need to be there, or putting 30-pound weights on our legs.

I want us all to finish strong, so let’s start eliminating the STRONGHOLDS today.

*To learn more about how I’m running the race (if you think it might help you) e-mail me at timeka.n.williams@gmail.com.

True Swag Tuesdays

DOMINICDINKINS

HOMETOWN Detroit, MI

AGE 25

When the job market doesn't seem to be working out, you have the option of changing your job or switching to a new market. Graphics trained Hampton University graduate-turned-English-teacher, Dominic Dinkins, did both. After landing a short-term job in his dream industry that didn't quite match his career vision, the 25-year-old traded the seemingly lacking industry in Motown for Seoul-town in South Korea. Live octopus may be the best food his new home has to offer, but with his new job Dinkins gets a fully loaded free pad, and a moderate salary that he can pretty much take to the bank. Tune in next week to see how he grinds.

Was Chris Brown For Real?

Dear BFDiary,

The 10th Annual BET Awards were full of juicy tidbits that would make good beauty shop talk, but one of the most interesting moments for me was Chris Brown's breakdown during his performance of Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror [click here to see the performance]. When his voice started to crack and his legs seemed unable to recreate MJ's original moves (which, by the way, C Breezy absolutely nailed) my gut-reaction-slip-of-the-tongue blurted: Is he serious?

Of course sitting scores of feet in front of Chris is a lot different than looking through a video camera, but what audience members (like Niecy Nash) recognized as a tearful tirade, I considered some misplaced sweat and passion. What was Chris "crying" about: the actual lyrics beckoning us to critical self-evaluation or the memory of the greatest musician of all time. And then there's his repeat apology to fans while accepting the award for the most fan support. Does this mean that Chris has been forgiven?

As someone who wasn't a ride-or-die fan to begin with, I don't have any emotional need to forgive Brown. On the other hand, I can't help but thinking that this whole redemption song breakdown turned heartfelt apology number two isn't a little too convenient to be coincidence.

Today I've come to the conclusion that this post may be unfairly judgmental, but ehhh, I'm willing to take that risk. Do you think C Breezy was for real?

Top 5 BFFs (Black Femme Fetishes) of the Summer

Dear BFDiary,

Seeing as how we’ve had some scorching hot days, Will Smith’s “Summertime” has been in rotation for a couple weeks now (not to mention our cousins have started using the weather forecast as an excuse to walk the streets in video-girl gear, but that’s a different post for a different time), but this week officially marks the beginning of summer. For so many of us PYTs the summer is a time of transition and movement. One of my line sisters just made the move from Wisconsin to Cali. My neos are traveling around Europe (if you haven’t been outside of the country for more than 14 consecutive days, put it on your to-do list). And I’ve moved from a college-town in the middle of New York to one just 45-minutes away from Motown—man did I miss the Midwest—in preparation for what will probably be the hardest mental experience of my lifetime (any Ph.D. program is about 2 steps below rocket science).
Every time of transition in our lives requires a tool kit to make it to the next level. Whether you’re a high school, college or grad school grad, looking for a new job, in a new relationship, or just at a new age here’s a guide to getting the top 5 BFFs (Black Femme Fetishes) that will sustain you and me both along this summer’s journey.

5. NAIL YOUR LOOK with a bold new summer color for your hands and feet. I’m an OPI girl myself, but I haven’t known Revlon to disappoint. My fav new color (Hot N’ Spicy, OPI) is just the divatude I need to put a little extra pep in my step. Even if you get a regular mani/pedi, you should still own a few colors so that you can reapply when polish starts to chip. It’s also a good idea to take your own bottle to the nail shop, as the polishes in-house are often diluted.
*Note: Flashy colors are fun, not professional. Let’s commit to not being the girl who gets stereotyped because of her inner sassy side. While at work, or attempting to get there, embrace your inner mogul in neutral shades.

4. CATCH THE BREEZE in a breathable summer dress that fits your body and your budget. One of the best things about this season is the accessibility of style options that will effortlessly take you from early afternoon lunch to evening rendez-vous. A staple dress that you can dress up or down will carry you through to September. Hit stores like Loehmann’s, TJ Maxx, Marshalls and outlets for this year’s styles at last years prices. I found my fav summer dress at a Calvin Klein Outlet for $30.

3. GO AU NATURAL before the sunshine fades by claiming a cute outdoor space in your city. Spending my lunch hours at Bryant Park last summer taught me never to let September come without having embraced the beauty of God’s creation at it’s most invigorating time. Whether you commit to the open-air festival scene, or, opt for a table at an outdoor eatery, you’ve got to take the time to get some sun. (Campus Martius was named one of the best urban parks, so don’t believe the bad hype about Detroit).

2. RELIVE THE READING RAINBOW. Now that you’re going to be spending more time outside, you’ll need something to do. I suggest reading at least 3 different books that will enhance your life in 3 different ways.

Spirituality: If you’re living in the same world I am, then you can agree that we have to stay spiritually balanced for survival. I’m reading a serious paperback my father suggested, The Three Battlegrounds, by Francis Frangipane. Rick Warren’s The Purpose-Driven Life and Juanita Bynum’s No More Sheets are must-reads for all black femmes.

Intellectual/Professional: In times of transition, preparation is essential. Learn the tools you need to be a better student, professional, or financial steward. I suggest You're So Money: Live Rich, Even When You're Not by Farnoosh Torabi for budget help. I plan on completing for scholarly info in my research field.

Entertainment/Pop Culture: Even if you aren’t the racy romance novel type (you’re lying to yourself) you can pick up something juicy from the fiction shelf so you know what the rest of us are talking about. I just finished Eric Jerome Dickey’s Between Lovers and didn’t put it down once.

Head to the library or amazon.com to save tons of money on your summer reads.

Don’t think you have time for books? Pick up a few new magazines like Bloomberg Businessweek, Essence, and Ms. for great articles that offer tidbits of great info to enhance your life.

1. GET A REALITY CHECK up. If you haven’t been to the doctor’s office or gotten tested for HIV/STIs in the past 6 months, it’s time. If you need ladies-only care but don’t have insurance, head to a Planned Parenthood. Don’t forget that GYN visits aren’t enough. We must be sure to visit a general care physician to maintain health above the belt. I’ll be making an appointment with my new primary care physician this month.

True Swag Tuesdays

SHARISSE "SHE-SALT" STANCIL-ASHFORD
[click here to see She-Salt in action]

AGE 23

HOMETOWN White Plains, NY

BACKGROUND Syracuse University '09: Public Policy and Music History and Culture

HOW SHE PAYS THE BILLS Policy and Programs Assistant at a local non-profit

GRIND MC, Vocalist, Songwriter, Artist, and CEO of She-Salt Music

Her story has that fairy tale beginning factor, but this artist is not your everyday damsel in distress turned overnight music success. Sharisse Stancil-Ashford has been singing, writing, and creating since she was a little one and took her talent to the next level during her time at Syracuse University where she served as event planner and later president of the Black Artist League. She also performed and was a director of the Black Celestial Choral Ensemble. And no diva this captivating would walk across the stage without first crossing the burning sands into Delta Land. She became a member of the Kappa Lambda Chapter of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. in the spring of 2009 just before she graduated. Life after graduation has been no crystal stair, but Sharisse is maximizing every moment. She's gone from managing $50,000 budgets and showcases with artists like Slick Rick pre-grad, to interning for free post-grad, but she's still pushing forward. No shortcuts for this songstress, she’s only satisfied when the stage is set her way, on her terms. Here’s how she grinds.

HOW SHE WENT FROM COLLEGE INTERN TO COLLEGE GRADUATE, AND BACK TO INTERN

I interned at Sony BMG/Zomba Gospel before senior year. When I graduated from SU I did not have a job lined up. After a couple months, I found myself working at an after school program with 5^th graders. Not that I don’t love kids, but that’s not what I saw myself doing. But you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do to eat. You also have to pay for your hustle and your grind because it’s not going to pay for itself…yet.

I still intern at SOB's (Sounds of Brazil) in Manhattan and help plan Soul Village because I have to be in the type of environment where I see myself. I surround myself with the things and people that I see myself being around.

WHY SHE GRINDS

I’d love to be self-sufficient, relying on myself and my music, and traveling the world as an artist. I also want to pen songs for established artists. I see myself contributing to my community and my people in a greater way than I already am by providing a network of grassroots community centers and organizations to help them in their efforts.

FRUITS OF HER LABOR

I was at an event for my sorority and a woman recognized me as a performer from a show I did at SOB's. It’s rewarding when people recognize me and appreciate what I do.

I’m also affiliated with ASCAP (American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers) as a music publisher and songwriter. When you write a song, half of the revenue goes to the people who wrote the song and the other half goes to the publisher. The publisher has the right to release your music, it’s licensing. With She-Salt I’ll be able to negotiate every portion of my music.

WHY THE GRIND KEEPS HER SCHEDULE AND MONEY TIGHT

After I leave my 9-5 job in White Plains I usually take two trains to Manhattan ($20 round trip). Sometimes I can be in Manhattan 3-4 times a week on business.

After expenses, a good portion of my money goes to savings, its what I call the She-Salt savings. I use that money for studio time, and products like a program I just bought to record my vocals. I also pay the musicians I work with.

I rarely get paid for my performances, but I attribute that to the grind too.

HER BFF (BLACK FEMME FETISH)

The only thing I really can’t live without is God, which isn’t really a thing; but as an artist, down the rode I can see myself requesting spinach and chocolate almond milk. And I feel lost without my i-POD touch; music has to be with me at all times.

WHY THIS SOULFUL SISTA IS KEEPING IT SOLO

If a guy wanted to take me out to dinner or something, and he’s cool, then I’ll go. But I’m not searching. The grind is too important; no distractions.

Her advice on achieving “true swag”

Believe and cultivate your own light (talent). Do you and don’t compare yourself to or try to be like anyone else. Appreciate the talent and vision that God has given you.

To get more info about She-Salt and her upcoming "Tastetape" follow her on Twitter: SheSalt.

True Swag Tuesdays

Dear BFDiary,

It’s Tuesday, time to turn my swag on. Not the kind of swag that requires a DJ and Soulja Boy shades. I’m talking about True Swag, the kind that eminates from within and inspires you and I to do more than just get money. The kind that keeps us striving and fighting for more when it seems like the odds are stacked against you.

Every Tuesday at Black Femme Diaries will be True Swag Tuesdays, a time to celebrate the grit and glamour of the grind. We’ll be highlighting guys and gals under 25 who are making brag-worthy moves right now. They aren’t rich or famous (yet) but they’re the seemingly everyday people sitting next to us in class, at work, in church, or even at the dinner table who are educated and not afraid of elbow grease.

We’ll gab about what keeps them motivated when they go from summer intern, to college grad, and back to summer intern. We’ll get the dish on the things they’ve done to stay ahead of the pack. And we’ll even delve into their love lives a bit.

Here’s a sneak peak at our first True Swagg Highlight:

Sharisse "She-Salt" Stancil-Ashford [click here to see She.Salt in action]

Age: 23

Hometown: White Plains, NY

Her story has that fairy tale beginning factor, but this artist is not your everyday damsel in distress turned overnight music success. Sharisse Stancil-Ashford has been singing, writing, and creating since she was a little one and took her talent to the next level during her time at Syracuse University where she served as event planner and later president of the Black Artist League. She also performed and was a director of the Black Celestial Choral Ensemble. And no diva this captivating would walk across the stage without first crossing the burning sands into Delta Land. She became a member of the Kappa Lambda Chapter of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Inc. in the spring of 2009 just before she graduated. Life after graduation has been no crystal stair, but Sharisse is maximizing every moment. No shortcuts for this songstress, she’s only satisfied when the stage is set her way, on her terms. Tune in next week to see how she grinds.

What on earth are they here for?

Dear BFDiary,

I was a true blue PBS kid. You know, "The Puzzle Place” and “Mister Rogers” in the morning. After school meant quality time with Ms. Frizzle and the “diverse” crowd of students on “The Magic School Bus.” I justified all the time I didn’t listen in my science class at school, by never missing an episode with Ms. Frizzle. I’ll never forget the day she taught me that bugs were good and had a purpose in the universe. They maintained a natural balance; without the big insects, there would be nothing to eat the small insects, and then all the crops would die…something like that. God created the insects and they are serving the purpose that He had in mind.

I’m on the 40-day journey of completing The Purpose Driven Life by Pastor Rick Warren and was reminded of the insect lesson a few days ago. Over 30 million people around the world have also taken this journey to help discover to the question “What on earth am I here for?”. Warren quickly assures us that our purpose in life has more to do with God’s will, and little to do with what brings us pleasure. So it seems ignorant not to ask the question of what on earth are the insects here for. If God created something or permitted it to come into my life, than surely, it’s there for a purpose. Understanding that purpose could be the difference between happiness and misery.

Now, I’m not saying that understanding the purpose of mosquitoes will make their bites any less annoying. I am saying that understanding we were both created by God means harmony is possible when we both fulfill our purpose.

Let’s take food for example. God created the earth to bring forth healthy crops to nourish us, and, animals for us to eat as well. He did not create, high-fructose corn syrup and trans fat. Shows like "The Biggest Loser" are examples of what happens when we as humans are re-educated on the purpose of food, and get back to our purpose of honoring the bodies we are given. When you understand that food is a tool for nourishment and not a pacifier for when you’re having a bad day, you’ll naturally only eat the foods that actually have nourishment. Foods that cause more harm to your body than good, are not serving the purpose for which food was created, and therefore, don’t belong in your system.

I’m making the commitment to ask myself the purpose of a thing before accepting it into my life? Will that apple pie from Mickey D’s bring me more harm than good? If friends are supposed to serve the purpose of confidante and homegirl can’t hold water, does she belong in my inner circle? Will the Tom Ford Aviator sunglasses make me look good now? Yes. What about later? I’ll still look good, but the bill will make me sick.

What things in your life need a purpose check?