I didn’t remember putting it there in the first place, but last week I looked for it anyway. I looked hard. I looked long. I got frustrated and confused when I peered deeper into the mirror but still couldn’t see it. That mark, that sign, that unmistakable neon marquee etched somewhere between my brows and hairline that told boys, “choose me, lie to me, let me be the one you disrespect.”
Despite some not-so-happily ending experiences with guys and relationships that suggest otherwise, there is no neon sign on my forehead. Neither are there signs on some of my closest female friends who have recently experienced similar woes. We are all beautiful (which requires an appeal that radiates from the inside out), successful, grounded, fun, intelligent, ambitious, driven, loving women with our own unique personalities. We attract men just fine, the problem lies in the fact that the ones we actually find worthy and compatible enough to devote time too, are ridiculously inconsistent, inconsiderate, fickle, selfish and sometimes dishonest.
I should warn you now that this blog may seem a bit angrier than others. But rest assured that I am not bitter, just disappointed.
I’m disappointed in the fact that some men can claim to be one thing, and act like another. I’m disappointed in their blatant refusal to devote to one woman joyously and whole-heartedly. I'm disappointed in their dishonesty in sharing their intentions.
This weekend a good male friend of mine, David, reminded me that there are good men out there. That has never been something I’ve been confused about. My father is a good man. My favorite uncle is a good man. My closest male friends are good men. And I know there’s one out there pegged just for me. I’ll marry a good man. But that gives me little consolation right now; while I’m barely 19 and way too involved in finishing the semester with my head on straight while making dean’s list and juggling my internship and three student orgs to think about a good man 10 years from now. I, like my friends, want comfort now.
Then David said something that I think about all the time. He said, all guys were good guys at some point, until something happened. Someone hurt them, someone said something, did something, didn’t do something, something happened that made them shift. What he was talking about was the motive and reasoning behind the action. Now I’m in no rush to justify mistreatment, disrespect is disrespect. But the optimist in me believes that behind every selfish deed is something deeper. Hurting people hurt people.
When we carry baggage from past hurts every future relationship is affected. I don’t know when my guy will come, or what he’ll look like, but I do know that I want him to see me for me. And I want to see him for him. So in the name of karma and Godly principle I’m traveling lighter. I’m dropping all of my baggage. All the extra stuff that I’ve carried along the way and never needed. All the regrets and disappointments and worries, I’m losing that dead weight and keeping myself open to hope and love. I don’t have to tell you that it’s easier said than done, but I’ve started. And so far, I’m thinking this light, airy look is definitely my style. Could you stand to drop a few pounds?
